Bikini

I was rather taken aback when some guy PM-ed me on some social networking platform asking if I wanted to join a bikini contest.

I posted some half-naked photos of myself in that site and I think that’s the reason I got the message.

I don’t have an awesome body. I’m fairly skinny. But my body’s not out of shape either. I have lots of photos of myself half-naked with great angles so it kinda looks like I go through some effort in properly shaping my physique.

I never thought it could be as effective as convincing somebody that I am qualified for bikini contests. But what the hell, even people with worse body figure than I do join those contests. Hah.

Teach Me How to Court-ie

The thing is, I don't know how to court. Probably because I’m to the fact that I’m the one being courted. That’s not bragging because even the most not-that-awesome-person in the entire world can be someone else’s dream person.

I just don’t feel like courting—even the person that I really like. That’s probably because I don’t want to get rejected. I understand that it’s a part of life to be rejected sometimes but know that I’m regularly rejected in other aspects in my life and getting rejected in terms of love life won’t be of help.

But if I think I have a fair chance with someone, I don’t think I’ll get scared to be the first one to approach them.

Better Humans

I am not afraid to say that I condemn people who think that they are better human beings because they are straight. I know that I can never control nor persuade every person who think this way to believe otherwise but it just infuriates the shit out of me.

There will always be people who are so bigoted that they think gay people are generally less humans than straight ones. That is the stupidest thing a person can think of. Like, it's really stupid that I don't know how to react anymore. I'll just stand there and make a straight, emotionless face.

I have decided that I won't react anymore when I encounter a person who has this ridiculously dumb notion. I'll just keep on living life and hope that in the future, these people will come to realize how stupid they are.

You Don't Have to Rub It In

I'm gay. I'm a discreet gay guy. For some of you who don't know what that means, it means I look and act straight but I'm not. Just imagine Ricky Martin or Matt Bomer but not as hot. Lol.

Almost all of my friends know I'm gay because I'm pretty open about it. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am and I certainly don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. That's pathetic.

I'm gay and my friends are cool with it. Strangely enough, 99% of my friends are straight. I'm leaving 1% because nothing's perfectly certain and maybe someone decides to be on the hiding. FYI, I don't necessarily choose my friends. It just so happens that I don't have gay friends. I may know and may be acquainted with a couple of gay people but that's just about it. I am very fond of funny gays, though - the humorous ones, not the unnecessarily noisy ones. They're annoying.

Even if I'm openly gay (that means if you ask me if I'm gay, I'll say yes), I still get offended by people who tell it to my face. I get offended because it is very unnecessary. I mean, I don't label or shove it up people's ass if they're straight. Do people do that? No, they don't so why would you make it more obvious to me that I'm gay? It's sexist.

So if you don't intend to insult anyone gay, stop it with the slapping.

The Best I Ever Had

About more than two years ago, I got infatuated too much that for the first in my life, I told myself that I would be serious in a relationship.

I was in Manila and I met this guy. Let's just call him D because I respect his privacy and he might not like it if he knew that I spilled his name in this revelation. The very first time I laid my eyes on him, I felt I was in a movie and as he turned to me in slowmo, the place got filled with God damned flowers. The scene was absolutely gay and I hated it. But I already liked him.

D's skin was ridiculously fair, had a very nice maintained hairstyle, clear face skin, and what really got me - very pretty light brown eyes. He was very attractive and I am not saying this just because I liked him but because it was the truth and everybody else would have agreed with me.

Seeing D everyday was one of the most fulfilling things for me that time. I was happy just seeing him. He was kind, smart, glowing, pleasant, neat, always smelled nice, and poised.

One day, I told a common friend that I was crushing on him. He told me that almost all the ladies in our group liked him. I shrunk. I wouldn't call myself a below 5 kind of person but when I found out that a few hundred people had an eye on him, I was ready to tell myself to back off on any plans about anything related to him – that I had no chance to be a part of his world.

I was wrong.

One day, while my friends and I were doing some random stuff along with D, my closest friend in the group Sean suddenly started teasing us. "Hey D, I think somebody here really likes you. And his name is [insert my name here]." My hair stood up and my eyes bulged like bloated watermelons from embarrassment. If Sean and I were alone and murder wasn't a crime, I could have sent him digging to hell in seconds. As everybody heard the impulsive announcement, teases and whistles filled the entire room of shame. I was quick to say, "Hey, stop it with your fucked up lies, Sean!" I did not dare look at D because I was obviously afraid of his reaction. I was trying to cope with the situation when I heard him say and sounded smiling, "Really? I didn't know and he never told me that." My face lit up and high hopes in my guts came surging.

After that very frightening event, I had the confidence to send him a text. I have never been more nervous in my life. After a few minutes, he replied. Imagine my glee. I literally destroyed my face from too much smiling. We started exchanging calls and messages. It went really well for us and I couldn't believe it. He told me that he also liked me and it made me really happy. We started dating exclusively. I couldn't believe I was dating a really nice guy, with Chinese and Spanish blood, with a nice career and financially stable, with really good looks, whom everyone looked up to, mature, thoughtful, and 23.

I told him these things and my insecurities but he just laughed at them and said he's just human and that I also deserved him. Those words made me feel secure.

I had him meet one of my best friends Laila because she was the one in Manila that time. Kinna was back home and Karla was in California. We had dinner at a restaurant in MOA. I didn't know if D felt it but I was kinda uncomfortable with the setup. It was my first time to have a best friend meet my boyfriend. Well, I never really had many boyfriends, though. I kept on staring at Laila and I always caught her smirking like she was teasing how everything for me was weirdly great. When D had to go to the washroom, Laila immediately asked me what that guy saw in me that I got him. Though I agreed with her, I still defended myself: Am I really that not desirable?! She replied, "Well, you are. But not to this extent. Lol."

We went on dates regularly – saw movies, went to places in Manila I have never gone before, attended the mass at Quiapo church every Friday, shopped for stuff (he spends a lot on clothing and he buys the not so cheap ones too, which I rarely do because I don't really care about clothes) and so on.

Our relationship was going really well (I don't have to mention the dirty, do I?) and I thought it was gonna stay that way. Once again, I was wrong.

One day, while we were walking along the tall buildings of Ortigas, he suddenly mentioned having a home together in the future, building and fulfilling dreams and whatnot. The thought was really nice and I perfectly understood why he would mention these things mainly because he was mature and responsible, but it still scared me. I guess the thought was so big that I got intimidated. My system didn't know how to deal with it because I was still immature. We were opposites and I forgot to mention that.

I tried not to be bothered nor be mortified by what was right up in front of me, but little by little, I knew something was wrong. I tried to rationalize a lot and told myself that D was a huge ass catch and it would be immensely difficult to find someone like him again. I tried convincing myself that he had the looks and the stability that I wanted. But that was that. I fell out of love. Those thoughts were not the reason, I know. There was something deeper and I myself could never explain it. That's one of the biggest mysteries of love.

I was the jerk and I was completely aware of that. I could even be awarded "The Douche of the Year." But what can I do if my douchey brain told me to not love him anymore? I was very much in love, yes, but that was when I realized that even if both of you are in love with each other, it can still fall apart just like that.

I never even considered telling him the line "It's not you, it's me." because that would ruin everything. That was the perfect breakup line but I never thought about using it.

I was the one who bailed out but D was the one doing everything to keep us from breaking up. He sent me so many messages about how it was gonna be okay and that we could work things out. I never responded to any of those messages. Not that I didn't want to but because I just didn't want things to be more complicated. I thought he was just gonna let it go and move on. When we weren't seeing each other anymore that much, some of my colleagues told me that D was always in a bad mood, scolded, and that they even saw him tearing up. I knew I hurt him so much but I never meant to do it. Either way, I still did and I hoped he will have forgiven me.

I decided to go home to my hometown to clear my head and unwind. While I was at the airport waiting for my flight, I received his last message and it got me.

"I don't want to lose you."

Even if I was decided on never going back, that message almost made me cry. It's like half of me wanted to go back to him but I knew I could never do it. While I pondered with everything that's happened, I promised myself to not fall in love again easily.

As I went home, everything became a bittersweet memory.

Into Ruins

I have every reason to be drop-dead devastated right now. If I were a full-time geek or a motor vehicle lover, I would have killed myself already. Either way, I am horrified by the unfortunate events that have been crossing my way lately.

A week back, my car started dripping off gasoline while running so I wasn't able to use it until now unless our mechanic shows up (which is not happening). A few days ago, I dropped one of my external hard drives making it hardly usable anymore, thank God it was my smallest one which was an 80GB Philips. This morning, my motorbike decided that it will no longer start. It probably needs to be tuned up and oil changed. I'm still thinking of a fucking way how to bring that shit all the way to the motor shop. Good Lord. I don't have any wheels as of the moment.

To make things worse, earlier when I came home, I found out that the installed hard drive of my computer wasn't being read. Imagine the stress and distraught. I was completely shattered. I reformatted my computer just to see if it was the problem but unfortunately, it wasn't. I then prayed for a glorifying moment when the hard drive suddenly gets read so I have the chance to salvage the files in that dying 500GB.

I have a 1TB external hard drive but the transfer rate is kind of slow so I decided to use my cousin's 1TB instead which had a fairly faster transfer rate. When I went to her house to borrow it, I found out she used a different plug to power it and when I came back home, the drive was as good as crap. It wasn't working anymore. Not even a small hint of life. Lastly, my mouse's scroll key is not working anymore.

So there, I think I'll cry my ass off when I sleep tonight.

Those Moments

Do you have those moments when you just roll around the internet and bump into a random photo and fall in love with it?

First Audition

I had my very first audition for a singing competition last 23 February for The Voice of the Philippines. I never joined any singing competition prior that date mainly because I am not the competing kind and I do my own music. I do not like being judged by it.

The few strong reasons I auditioned were: I am a huge fan of The Voice since the beginning, Bamboo Mañalac will be one of the judges/coaches (I'd also say Miss Lea Salonga but every Filipino is already her fan), and a number of my friends and other supporters encouraged me to audition. Well, they always do. I just don't try. I also had the time so why not give it a shot.

Whenever I perform in front of people, the nerves never fail to kick in and they always hold me back for the first few minutes of my performances. After a short while, they leave and I'd be comfortable with my stage presence. That's the time I execute the best of what I got. Otherwise, everything is half-baked.

I knew even before that I will never pass an audition because of my nerves. I'd probably pass if they'd let me perform for a good 30 minutes. It's like I need to warm up as to doing an arduous activity. There are also times that my voice is really good compared to my regular one. Whenever I feel like that, I myself am impressed with my vocal ability. Like, "WTF did I just do?" or "I can't believe I can actually do that."

The auditions went smooth. I expected thousands of auditionees but only hundreds came. There were a few signs that led me to think that I'd actually get in but judging from the first few people who have been told to stay, I don't think I'll make an effort anymore.

Almost everyone sang ballad and pop. I was like, WTF. So I sang a chill one - Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. Luckily, I was told to stay a bit longer. I guess the judges liked the break of trend. The few of us who stayed were interviewed shortly after. I guess it gets a bit bumpy at that point because they were obviously looking for a dramatic life story. My life is okay - a bit interesting but not "Oh God, what a life" kind of life. In all honesty, I didn't really want to get in for the blind auditions anymore because the feel wasn't what I was expecting.

I am a fan of The Voice because of the cool people it had in the US and the UK. I realized that the Philippines was hugely different. I was never a fan of singing competitions in the Philippines because of how poor the versatility they possessed. To me, everyone sang ballad or Filipino alternative. They make everything ballad. I hate that. Filipinos are great singers but I want to hear all other good genres like what the other The Voice editions had - country, hip-hop, reggae, ska, world, new age, alternative. Filipinos do not like that. We only want ballad/soul, tunog kalye and pop.

After the interviews, they let us go but only about 4 people passed the interview. I wasn't one of them. I guess my life isn't inspiring yet. Hehe. It was totally fine. Winning a talent competition wasn't a dream in the first place, more so being a part of it. I do music for myself, my friends and my supporters. That's just about enough for me.

Things on My Computer Desk

These are currently the things on my computer desk in no particular order (in other words, they're scattered):

01. Apple earphones
02. cuticle remover
03. Mongol #2 pencil
04. HSDPA USB stick
05. nail cutter
06. eyeglasses wiper
07. my passport
08. smaller nail cutter
09. red Pilot Hi-Tecpoint pen
10. blue pen
11. A4 Tech memory card reader
12. Green Apple mini notebook
13. iPod classic
14. iPhone block charger
15. WD External Hard Drive
16. Post It notes

I Failed

I tried. But I failed. I got sad but it's fine. It was my first attempt and I have a thousand reasons not feel bad about it.

I decided to create my own and let not any pressure on me by doing that again. I am my own passionate soldier.

A Paranoid Saint

Paranoia is slowly devouring my whole entity. Something pretty much bothers me every minute of my everyday these days. I am afraid to disclose the exact issue because it will always remind me of what it is that's bothering me and that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I was never like this before, perhaps because the things that bothered me in the past were temporary - in my full awareness. Unlike now, I am not entirely sure if it will eventually leave me alone, especially in my current state of slight mental imbalance.

There are moments that my worries take a break. Those are moments that I am either occupied with something or when I have the strength to say fuck it, I don't care anymore. But those times don't usually last long. I would eventually go back to that gloomy, fearful state that I feel most of the time. And it really sucks because I can't do anything about it and I don't want to, either. At least for now.

I just hope that time would very soon heal what I'm being paranoid about. I really hope it does. I can't seem to completely tell anyone about this - probably because I'm kind of ashamed or whatever - but I'm gonna leave it at that for now. If I come to a moment when I discover everything I have been worrying about won't actually affect my life after all, I'll be the happiest person alive.

I Owe You Big Time

It's really hard when you do something unforgivably callous to somebody yet they still forgive you anyway. After that moment, the guilt will haunt you for the rest of your life. I mean, sure it'll be negated by time but the point is, it's there and it will never go away. It's like a crumpled paper that no matter how much flat pressure you put to it, it'll never go back to its original state.

Once you wrong somebody to an infinite level, but eventually just let you off easy, being around them will never be the same. It's like your behavior towards them or simply how you treat them will completely change into a safe mode kind of way. That's because you're scared you might do something wrong to them again.

Worse, even if they're the ones to do something bad to you, so long as it never goes to the extent of leveling to what you have done to them, you have no choice but to let it just slip. You give an entire world of not giving fucks to anything offensive that they may do to you. Because once that happens, you'd think they'd most probably slather all over your sorry ass what you did to them. The thing is, you will always feel mortified around them.

So, always be careful in things that you do. Never do anything that you will eventually regret for the rest of your sorry life.