Things on My Computer Desk

These are currently the things on my computer desk in no particular order (in other words, they're scattered):

01. Apple earphones
02. cuticle remover
03. Mongol #2 pencil
04. HSDPA USB stick
05. nail cutter
06. eyeglasses wiper
07. my passport
08. smaller nail cutter
09. red Pilot Hi-Tecpoint pen
10. blue pen
11. A4 Tech memory card reader
12. Green Apple mini notebook
13. iPod classic
14. iPhone block charger
15. WD External Hard Drive
16. Post It notes

I Failed

I tried. But I failed. I got sad but it's fine. It was my first attempt and I have a thousand reasons not feel bad about it.

I decided to create my own and let not any pressure on me by doing that again. I am my own passionate soldier.

A Paranoid Saint

Paranoia is slowly devouring my whole entity. Something pretty much bothers me every minute of my everyday these days. I am afraid to disclose the exact issue because it will always remind me of what it is that's bothering me and that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I was never like this before, perhaps because the things that bothered me in the past were temporary - in my full awareness. Unlike now, I am not entirely sure if it will eventually leave me alone, especially in my current state of slight mental imbalance.

There are moments that my worries take a break. Those are moments that I am either occupied with something or when I have the strength to say fuck it, I don't care anymore. But those times don't usually last long. I would eventually go back to that gloomy, fearful state that I feel most of the time. And it really sucks because I can't do anything about it and I don't want to, either. At least for now.

I just hope that time would very soon heal what I'm being paranoid about. I really hope it does. I can't seem to completely tell anyone about this - probably because I'm kind of ashamed or whatever - but I'm gonna leave it at that for now. If I come to a moment when I discover everything I have been worrying about won't actually affect my life after all, I'll be the happiest person alive.

I Owe You Big Time

It's really hard when you do something unforgivably callous to somebody yet they still forgive you anyway. After that moment, the guilt will haunt you for the rest of your life. I mean, sure it'll be negated by time but the point is, it's there and it will never go away. It's like a crumpled paper that no matter how much flat pressure you put to it, it'll never go back to its original state.

Once you wrong somebody to an infinite level, but eventually just let you off easy, being around them will never be the same. It's like your behavior towards them or simply how you treat them will completely change into a safe mode kind of way. That's because you're scared you might do something wrong to them again.

Worse, even if they're the ones to do something bad to you, so long as it never goes to the extent of leveling to what you have done to them, you have no choice but to let it just slip. You give an entire world of not giving fucks to anything offensive that they may do to you. Because once that happens, you'd think they'd most probably slather all over your sorry ass what you did to them. The thing is, you will always feel mortified around them.

So, always be careful in things that you do. Never do anything that you will eventually regret for the rest of your sorry life.